Whingy breathing in South Calipornia USA for many eons now but still exude adopted homeland consternations.
First hand, Whingy not feel adventurous for war killing pursuits. If Whingy had offspring (or, if Whingy have offsprings due to previous indiscretionary speed dating) he would not want them expired for Middle East tranquil peace illusions.
Whingy not want harm to imaginary or real offsprings belonging to anyone.
Look at bossy cow! She has no gun!
Cease fire now please!
~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
© All Rights Reserved
O yes, secret plan is working!
While American rousers of rabble so busy debating house-of-terror mosque-type community center for pretend ping pong championships, Chinese type power-mongers raise rates of interest on United States of Infrugality, soon to cut off credit and foreclose on country.
O yes American free-spendiholics, preserve foolish manure-fueled worries of clever terrorist plan in forefront of mental storefront! O Yes! What a plan of cleverness from enemies of America, to locate secret headquarters of doom in place where no government police agent would suspect to inspect: $100 million, 13-story scraper of sky in lower Manhattan, disguising itself with obvious public location!
O yes, continue to worry that Allah worshipers have desire to destroy American country foundations while you borrow even more money from Chinese overlandlords for purchase of bigger screen TVs on which to watch butch-hair Beck Glenn rantings in high definition 3-D nose hair inspections!
Soon, Whingy will be your new MasterCard master! When you can snatch plastic money card from my hand, grasshopper, it will be time for you to charge!
O yes, secret plan is working!
~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
© All Rights Reserved
I cannot annoy some people all of the time, but with Wide World Web I can annoy you immediately!
Me Make Joke:
What you call unsticky Post-It Notes? Post-It Nots? Ha, ha, ha – I pretend to laugh now.
Me Make Mistake:
When Whingy monohabitate in China, neighborlies escort personal bird companions to park space and hang cages in trees for avian socialization. Whingy once take macaw to dog park in error where bird escape and bite schnauzer tail! Grabbing dog to rotate angry canine in circle cause parkgoer consternation and loss of feathers.
Power of Positivity:
Imagine now you are no longer stupid! You are finally not thinking of sex or cow steaks or greenbacks or other personal aggrandizements so frequent in urban wasteland.
Personal Insult Advice:
When next you portend to emasculate yuppie complaining about lengthy supermarket line, say: “You sound like Chinese baby fish!”
How To Be Happy:
Humor come from blat of soul! On road to humorosity, first come annoyance! Execute hammering of dish plates to clear mental distraction. Enlightenment follows like happy bovine with vegeteranian master!
Whingy Proverb:
Do not varnish chicken when egg has shell.
Why It’s Whingy and not Whingey:
Superfluous “e” once employed by dishonored great-grandfather who was notorious carp poacher operating with expired carp encapture license. Whingy escape shame of ancestor by ex-spelling “e” in spelling.
Walt Whingy Whitman:
As poetry master Walt Whitman Sampler say: “Do I contradict myself? Yes, I contradict myself! So what!”
~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
© All Rights Reserved
Whingy shoot elephantine in kimono. How big tusks fit into kimono?
Inquire of Groucho Marxist.
Whingy shooting aim bad but not matter. Elephantype stuffed already in museum! Dead before shooting spree! Whingy make joke and never shoot gun or hurt animal, foremostly not lovely cow!
But when Whingy walk in bad part of city he need instruction from residentials who already possess recognition of bullet dodging strategies!
~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ Elephant Photo by Russ Allison Loar
~ © All Rights Reserved
Stocks on China market not go up. They not go up very fast. They fall like buttered mongoose down mountain of lard!
Chinese stock buyers now surprised that stocks go down, like Americaland opportunisms purchasing bubble houses no matter how cost-inducing, then earn surprise when prices not go up. They not go up very fast. They fall like the Donald of Trump with Mexican parachute!
Chinese stock buyers like United States investor sheep who forget gravity going two ways at least.
Whingy resist stock frenzy because already Whingy is detached from reality. Whingy may be crazy, but not crazy enough to detach hardly earning dollars from reality.
Whingy know gravity when he see it. Whingy is turtle who not fall into soup, already seeing chilly plum blossoms fall from tree.
~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
© All Rights Reserved
Stocks on China market not go up. They not go up very fast. They fall like buttered mongoose down mountain of lard!
Chinese stock buyers now surprised that stocks go down, like Americaland opportunisms purchasing bubble houses no matter how cost-inducing, then earn surprise when prices not go up. They not go up very fast. They fall like the Donald of Trump with Mexican parachute!
Chinese stock buyers like United States investor sheep who forget gravity going two ways at least.
Whingy resist stock frenzy because already Whingy is detached from reality. Whingy may be crazy, but not crazy enough to detach hardly earning dollars from reality.
Whingy know gravity when he see it. Whingy is turtle who not fall into soup, already seeing chilly plum blossoms fall from tree.
~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
© All Rights Reserved
Yes, now it is Springy Time for Whingy!
Inauguration of lawn-shortening season create harkening backwards to thought of aging boyhood in Kowloon. It was China place Whingy mistakenly mistake for mentally ill cow sanctuary. In fact matter, Kowloon place was of many law breakings with nostrils and assorted points of bodily entry for prohibited substances.
Kowloon also place of girlfriend-renting activities which Whingy mistakenly discover after plight of pain of back compel me to initiate visit at Xing’s Happiness House. Pain in back most mysteriously vanish after narrow escape with intact virginity.
Springy Time of celebrity blats from ancient Tuba-like blowing thing Whingy cause to engage must also balance on scale of joy and sorrow with ancient scribblings of caution from Tang verse constructionist Du Fu:
Before you praise spring’s advent, note
What capers the mad wind may cut:
To cast the flowers to the waves
And overturn the fishing boat.
Whingy wish Springy joy to all and now must cease keyboard finger-pushing activities to go smash dinner plates with hammer for relaxation!
So grasshopper, now you seek to free inner bovine from consumptipation but manufacturer’s suggested retail guru does not move bowels of enlightenment?
Way of Whingy (now without suppositories) calls you to proceed!
But wait! What is Way of Whingy and where is Whishing Well of Whangism?
Stop talking already and listen!
Whingy once so self-absorbent not see flower or sky or tree in front of motorized ex-scooter! After calamity, Whingy go to heal on farm and learn to love lovely bossy cows unburdened by multitasking.
After extended cow admirations reveal path to contentmentalment, Whingy forget small self-person and suddenly see flower and sky and tree. Whingy suddenly hear music of whindy wind and leafy leaves and grassy grass and bovine low cow mumblings. Whingy whiff fragrance of alfalfa and chicken and barb wire rustings. Whingy touch spongy plantings and see bravely blade of grassling reach for heaven!
Whingy’s head exploding with sensations too many to put on memo recorder.
Whingy discover personal Whishing Well of Whangism require space of boredom and cow contemplation at farm place locale.
Buttercow biscuits!
Secret is not what, but what not! When you go to Whishing Well of Whangism, stop all everything! Then Way of Whingy must soon be calling you to Way of Whoever You Are, for in not doing you will see flower and sky and not careen motor scooter into large omnipresent tree.
Yes grasshopper, your inner bovine now is free to roam grassyland of internal imagination device and you become cow of no cow!
So, what is sound of one hoof clapping?
~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
© All Rights Reserved
Are you problem part, or solution?
Our chief economic commandeers now saying spend more money for prosperity bloom!
So forget about saving in consternation of bad weather. Here in United States of Consumption saving money make weather bad for all now!
Only big business boys who waste many quadrillions of dollars are entitled to reward from governmental buck-passers. But now, you too can waste even more money than previously sane with Whingy’s new Gopher Broke card!
Whingy invent new reverse-credit for spending all of assets prior to death and future earnings of children who are finally good for cash even without organ donations!
Almost all who have DNA and offspring accepted!
N ow, buy some costly automobiles, fur-lined fur coats, travels to exotic locales where tour guides tote machine guns. Yes, you can now eat out more often! With your Uranium Gopher Broke card, you may even charge ransom!
So remember, since Greatest Depression is right around intersection, why bother saving money?
Stop squirreling away! Gopher Broke today!
~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ Gopher Broke card by Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved
Right now is Chinese Year of Monkey. Some say monkey year treacherous for money-makers, so Whingy advise installation of scrutiny for outfoxing of crafty monkey who slip banana peel under shoe of unsuspected capitalist!
But however forget me not ancient proverb: When tree fall, monkeys scatter!
If tree is economy, and monkey is banana peel hedge-funder, then bad news is good news for fishing at bottom!
Now listen Americaland pedestrians to Whingy advice and take hasty exodus to bank, before bank closing due to monkey poo!
