Holy Cow! It's Whingy's New Year!

Before personal new year indulgence Whingy must venture greetings to all holiday participants without offense in order to reduce email jihad activity.

Whingy already anger some who warned winter solstice not only shortest day of year, but also last day of Whingy’s life!

Hah! I am still annoying for your entertainment!

If you are miniature dead Jesus on cross jewelry enthusiasts and like to kneel in church for wounded relatives and stupid brother-in-law, then I am hoping you festooned a Happy Merry Christmastime!

If you had blue and white electrical bulbs illuminating your domicile then I belate wishing you of Happy Hanukkah which is also expired.

Wake up! Time for holiday math number quiz! What do you get when you add one day to Xmas? Solution: Kwanzaa. And like Jewish holiday, you also obtain double letter score! Seven days to celebrate joy of not being Anglo-Saxonite! Whingy look in EncycloWikipedia and see:

During the early years of Kwanzaa (Ron) Karenga said it was meant to be an alternative to Christmas, that Jesus was psychotic, and that Christianity was a white religion that Black people should shun.

Things change because some of Kwanzanites’ best friends have paste-colored skin. And psychotic Jesus hard to put on holiday card!

There exist much plethora of Happy New Year occurrences, such as televised Times Square ball-plunging festival. Click below for data:

New Year Traditions

Now is happy time for Whingy by way of Lunar New Year! Whingy ignite firecrackers to scare away evil spirits and magazine salespersons. Then Whingy plant kumquat tree and wear red underwear for luck! Because now it is Year of Sheep-Goat, Whingy must stop eating fast burger food which has rumors of ruminant ingredients!

Some say sheep year provide opportunity for tender heart to pusue love-mating, in particularity for you who consume salad and make soft bleating noises. Lack of romance entanglements among many daughters create business opportunity for Whingy to rent himself as temporary boypal for reassurance that honored daughter is not hapless spinster material. For $10 an hour (with coupon) Whingy provide simulated affection, holding hand and one bye-bye kiss. (No tongue engagement!)

Whingy have real girlfriend Pa-Chi Phogg who is weathercastress at diminutive public television domicile in Orange County, Calipornia. Whingy fall in love when first see her on PBS, Whingy’s favored varietal of BS. Whingy discover the P type of BS most useful for emptying living quarters of persistent houseguests!

Whingy fingy tired of typing now and cannot remember many celebrations unmentioned that cause you joy and desire to end my life for being infidel, so forgive Whingy and be happy all the time without writing Whingy angry jihad emails.


If Whingy squirt you with water on twenty-five May day, do not understand wrongly and kick Whingy shins like last year, for it is Buddha birthday custom! Listen closely on that day grasshopper and you hear sound of one hoof clapping, for lovely cows everywhere thank Buddha for being plant-eater.

Please be happy because Whingy love you even if you are not you but are terrible person out of control or mind. Whingy know nice "you" is in there somewhere and so Whingy say: “Hello nice you! Come out, come out, wherever you are!”

May you contain heart of Tofu and leave bossycow alone!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
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