Advise and Torment!

Dear Presidental Bartok-Orama,

Every one who is not only any one but also some one wants advice from Whingy! So why not you? Are you too Cheney-shy for inquisition?

So as what young hip hops say here in South Calipornia:

“Like hopefully no problem guy, you know?”

I volunteer sacred tuba blat of wisdom for White House brain digestion after you run out of commander and chief bathroom briefing paper.

Bring heed now to advice numbers following!

1. Be annoying! No person likes a Mr. Goodbar Two Sandals! Americans know they are stupid, but you insult us with hope!

2. Do not disregard personal eating strategy for national health care placebo. A meal with no yak butter is like stork without fetus!

3. Nominate cow for national animal. No one can pet bald eagle! Baldy bird possess unpatriotic temper jihads. Whingy know this from personal zoo adventure!

Hamburglers endanger sacred cows for no long-life mooing! I cry tears of Holstein. Also besides whatever, eagle nuggets taste like chicken, only crunchy! *

4. What? Americanians have no Water Splashing Day? Whingy earn messydemeanor from water dousing on neighbor in wheelchair. Who is laughing now?

* Investment Premonition! Whingy’s Kentucky Fried Eagle! Franchiseships available for deep-fat enthusiasts. Summer carryout carrion offer-deal! Nose clip air detainers included! Hail to the chef!

Act now, Now!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ Kentucky Fried Eagle photo edit by Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Death By Stalactite!

I am Whingy Singh Chow-stok Whang!

You are mostly welcome!

Read aloud to enemy combatants:


Wake up!
You hear open intestine,
Blat of tuba,
Cry of Montezuma,
Stalactite weeps on cavern roof,
Your shower is squishy!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
© All Rights Reserved

What Is Real?

What is really real, grasshopper?

You go in bookstore. You pick up large novel.

You say, "This is fiction!"

Book slip from hand and fall on foot.

If book is fiction, why your toe is now feeling pain?

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
© All Rights Reserved

Pig Virus Opportunity!

Bon voyage flu enthusiasts!
Pig Virus more popular than
“Dancing With Stars,” so Whingy calling casting for new reality televirus,
“Dancing With Flu !”

Each episode now with weakened dancers coughing at opponents to lower personal immune resistances!

Whingy learn from American health placebo corruptorations finding cash from disease exploitation. Every virus cloud have lining of silver, gold and Visa. Cloud virus rain not dampen Whingy, for Whingy let disease be umbrella!

Also Whingy worry free because now possess immunity to Pig Virus importuned by personal cellulite invasion with Birdy Virus due to zoo encounter with American Eagle producing temper jihad at cage intrusion! Lucky Whingy still to have nose!

So, you demand advice for Pig Virus counter-espionage? Of course you do! Whingy is personal Zen Mixmaster whether you want Whangisms or don’t!

So stop talking already now! Hold nostrils and swallow!

Firsthandyman, pork consumption eases cow ingratitude, for madder cows someday make flu too if we eat them nonstop to London! Most important is how pork intake engage protection vaccine like Warp Nine on Star Trek!

For safety respiration, blow out carbon dioxidation hard, clearing intake airspace of germaphobings.

As personal Zen Mixmaster, I blend you prayers of non-death for inspirationality cash.

If you get sick anytime, do not let Pig Virus travel from intestinal blat to brain of head! Deny entrance to thought world and virus death comes by non-cognito!

Now, no more Mr. Nice Whingy! You must buy new book: “Whingy Way To Not Die For Long Time Or Money Back!”


Stop reading!

Go away already!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
© All Rights Reserved

Holy Cow! It's Whingy's New Year!

Before personal new year indulgence Whingy must venture greetings to all holiday participants without offense in order to reduce email jihad activity.

Whingy already anger some who warned winter solstice not only shortest day of year, but also last day of Whingy’s life!

Hah! I am still annoying for your entertainment!

If you are miniature dead Jesus on cross jewelry enthusiasts and like to kneel in church for wounded relatives and stupid brother-in-law, then I am hoping you festooned a Happy Merry Christmastime!

If you had blue and white electrical bulbs illuminating your domicile then I belate wishing you of Happy Hanukkah which is also expired.

Wake up! Time for holiday math number quiz! What do you get when you add one day to Xmas? Solution: Kwanzaa. And like Jewish holiday, you also obtain double letter score! Seven days to celebrate joy of not being Anglo-Saxonite! Whingy look in EncycloWikipedia and see:

During the early years of Kwanzaa (Ron) Karenga said it was meant to be an alternative to Christmas, that Jesus was psychotic, and that Christianity was a white religion that Black people should shun.

Things change because some of Kwanzanites’ best friends have paste-colored skin. And psychotic Jesus hard to put on holiday card!

There exist much plethora of Happy New Year occurrences, such as televised Times Square ball-plunging festival. Click below for data:

New Year Traditions

Now is happy time for Whingy by way of Lunar New Year! Whingy ignite firecrackers to scare away evil spirits and magazine salespersons. Then Whingy plant kumquat tree and wear red underwear for luck! Because now it is Year of Sheep-Goat, Whingy must stop eating fast burger food which has rumors of ruminant ingredients!

Some say sheep year provide opportunity for tender heart to pusue love-mating, in particularity for you who consume salad and make soft bleating noises. Lack of romance entanglements among many daughters create business opportunity for Whingy to rent himself as temporary boypal for reassurance that honored daughter is not hapless spinster material. For $10 an hour (with coupon) Whingy provide simulated affection, holding hand and one bye-bye kiss. (No tongue engagement!)

Whingy have real girlfriend Pa-Chi Phogg who is weathercastress at diminutive public television domicile in Orange County, Calipornia. Whingy fall in love when first see her on PBS, Whingy’s favored varietal of BS. Whingy discover the P type of BS most useful for emptying living quarters of persistent houseguests!

Whingy fingy tired of typing now and cannot remember many celebrations unmentioned that cause you joy and desire to end my life for being infidel, so forgive Whingy and be happy all the time without writing Whingy angry jihad emails.


If Whingy squirt you with water on twenty-five May day, do not understand wrongly and kick Whingy shins like last year, for it is Buddha birthday custom! Listen closely on that day grasshopper and you hear sound of one hoof clapping, for lovely cows everywhere thank Buddha for being plant-eater.

Please be happy because Whingy love you even if you are not you but are terrible person out of control or mind. Whingy know nice "you" is in there somewhere and so Whingy say: “Hello nice you! Come out, come out, wherever you are!”

May you contain heart of Tofu and leave bossycow alone!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
© All Rights Reserved

Whingy In A Dinghy!

D ue to unpopular demand, I now reveal some personal origin:

I was always born Whingy Singh Chow-stok Whang in country not unlike China on fish wharf with no cheese. Always water growing up. So when I become twenty age, I go on water to America! Land of cheese! At homeplace we many times view water dreaming of American cheese-eaters. So finally at last already I get on tiny floaty thing to cross liquid in search of green statue lady with torch.

Soon, bouncy water make me sick. So what! Or maybe too much bad squid in lunch hamper? I try to catch fish with net but not quick enough, so Whingy announce: “Here litty fishy thing! Jump into net! Uncle Whingy have surprise!”

Large fish spit at Whingy causing humiliation so I hit fish on head with board from boat. Whingy belatedly realize mistake of dismembering part of dinghy in fish-provoked anger. After sinking, no more boat, only board. If not for nearby jumbo cruise ship Whingy not be typing or breathing now.

On way to New Pork City Whingy make passengers happy with laughter at food tossing dance. But Whingy not like New Porkers so I bus to Lost Anglo-Saxons in Calipornia and work like pig dog for Burgler King.

Hey Burgler King! If yours is Home Of Whoppler, where do frenchy fries sleep?

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
© All Rights Reserved

Whingy Not In A Dinghy!

N ot many moons encirculate when I deduct my work job at Burgler King depend on slaughter of innocent bovines!

What is this? You employ Cows for Whopplers? Why not kangaroo like many Calipornia fast food omnibuses? Did you run out of dog?

“I must depart hastily,” I announce to soupervisor. "Deactivate my W-2!"

Whingy owe supreme state of annoying bliss to Cow. I learn from Cow how chewing is font of contentmentalment.

To emulate wise Cows on grassyland I obtain non-oval pink gum Bazooka package for cow-cud-like happy thought chewing enjoyment time!

Not only is gum gum, but gum escorted by Bazooka Joe installment on wax for no surcharge unclothing secrets only to brainy gum enthusiasts.

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
© All Rights Reserved