Whingy Whang.Com

Whingy Way Of Spoon!

2011-12-04T09:20:00.000-08:00

Whingy is accidental Occidental master of
Spoon Healing!

Feeling low from accelerated triangulation of holiday persecutions? When acupressure cannot be productive, why not try Spoon Healing therapy?

Discovery come after lychee wine marathon induce Whingy to question purpose of existence. After stirring eighth cup of coffee next morning in quest to obstruct suicide, Whingy put spoon on side of nostril to balance wobbly head.

Overhang relief nearly instanspontaneous!

Whingy discover spoon pressure on nose side activate healing center in valley of intoxication. Soon, Whingy eating egg scrambles and making joke about bacon mustaches!

After many years expend, Whingy trial and error now reveal spoon pressure points for healing varieties in new book: “Whingy Way Of Spoon.” (Not in stores!)

Whingy soon to erect Center for Spoon Healing with drive-thru window in abandoned strip mall near you!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ © All Rights Reserved

Whingy In Love

2011-10-05T12:38:00.000-07:00

Whingy blog enthusiasts always want to know about love life but reluctant to request data, so pay attention! I tell you now!

Whingy have girlfriend named Pa-Chi Phogg who is tall but not too tall so she can look up to Whingy with admiration for his extra inches of altitude.

Pa-Chi is weathercastress at diminutive public television station in Orange County, Calipornia. Whingy fall in love when first see her on PBS, which is Whingy’s favorite variety of BS. Whingy find the P type of BS most annoying and useful for emptying domicile of houseguests!

After Whingy successfully remove domestic interlopers one evening, he see Pa-Chi appear on television screen. She was not prepared sufficiently. So when big weather map start swirling she smile with trepidation, point to coastline and say: “Look OC residents! More weather coming to you! What do you care what kind of weather it is anyway? You are rich! You are not picking vegetables. You even have air conditioning ventricles in back seat of Mercedes. So have a nice day!”

Whingy realize Pa-Chi was mate of soul and so instigated introduction at PBS telephone money-requesting festival. Now Whingy and Pa-Chi date with regularity and postulate combining furniture in single location.

For Whingy and Pa-Chi, weather is now always sunny—even when wet!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ © All Rights Reserved

Whangism #293

2011-09-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

You can lead cow to water,
but pencil must be graphite!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ © All Rights Reserved

Whingy Unplug!

2011-06-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

When Whingy ski down Enternet information slopes now see frequent women who enjoy life naked. But Whingy cannot beehive with pixels! Whingy need woman in clothing with personal flesh and refrigerator!

Whingy try Earpod that now make life like movie except personal movie life too boring for soundtrack excitement. Cannot decide on breakfeast cereal supermarket purchase with rapper ear blast pronouncements! On walk to Bigbucks coffee repository, cannot hear song of dump truck! Cannot hear blat of cowbird!

Whingy have portable telephonical device in pocket with skin rash radiation from crotch reception contamination. Hard talking on bus to bill collector. Frighten busgoers with screaming: “Leave Whingy alone! Whingy not have money, only credit! Paste it on plastic!” Talking many times allwhere not good. Run out of sayings! Run over street monkey!

What next?!? New Pork Philhogmonica Orchestra in shoe? Stock calculation figurings in pillow when sleep? Go to church in shower?

Whingy take nice walking with no batteries now hear music of life so sweet Whingy want no food or money for ten minute almost!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ © All Rights Reserved

War Weary Whingy!

2011-06-24T11:52:00.000-07:00

Whingy breathing in South Calipornia USA for many eons now but still exude adopted homeland consternations.

First hand, Whingy not feel adventurous for war killing pursuits. If Whingy had offspring (or, if Whingy have offsprings due to previous indiscretionary speed dating) he would not want them expired for Middle East tranquil peace illusions.

Whingy not want harm to imaginary or real offsprings belonging to anyone.

Look at bossy cow! She has no gun!

Cease fire now please!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ © All Rights Reserved

Advise and Torment!

2011-06-06T00:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Presidental Bartok-Orama,

Every one who is not only any one but also some one wants advice from Whingy! So why not you? Are you too Cheney-shy for inquisition?

So as what young hip hops say here in South Calipornia:

“Like hopefully no problem guy, you know?”

I volunteer sacred tuba blat of wisdom for White House brain digestion after you run out of commander and chief bathroom briefing paper.

Bring heed now to advice numbers following!

1. Be annoying! No person likes a Mr. Goodbar Two Sandals! Americans know they are stupid, but you insult us with hope!

2. Do not disregard personal eating strategy for national health care placebo. A meal with no yak butter is like stork without fetus!

3. Nominate cow for national animal. No one can pet bald eagle! Baldy bird possess unpatriotic temper jihads. Whingy know this from personal zoo adventure!

Hamburglers endanger sacred cows for no long-life mooing! I cry tears of Holstein. Also besides whatever, eagle nuggets taste like chicken, only crunchy! *

4. What? Americanians have no Water Splashing Day? Whingy earn messydemeanor from water dousing on neighbor in wheelchair. Who is laughing now?

* Investment Premonition! Whingy’s Kentucky Fried Eagle! Franchiseships available for deep-fat enthusiasts. Summer carryout carrion offer-deal! Nose clip air detainers included! Hail to the chef!

Act now, Now !

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ Kentucky Fried Eagle photo edit by Russ Allison Loar
~ © All Rights Reserved

Whingy Not In A Dinghy!

2011-05-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

N ot many moons encirculate when I deduct my work job at Burgler King depend on slaughter of innocent bovines!

What is this? You employ Cows for Whopplers? Why not kangaroo like many Calipornia fast food omnibuses? Did you run out of dog?

“I must depart hastily,” I announce to soupervisor.
"Deactivate my W-2!"

Whingy owe supreme state of annoying bliss to Cow. I learn from Cow how chewing is font of contentmentalment.

To emulate wise Cows on grassyland I obtain non-oval pink gum Bazooka package for cow-cud-like happy thought chewing enjoyment time!

Not only is gum gum, but gum escorted by Bazooka Joe installment on wax for no surcharge unclothing secrets only to brainy gum enthusiasts.

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ © All Rights Reserved

Whingy In A Dinghy!

2011-05-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

D ue to unpopular demand, I now reveal some personal origin:

I was always born Whingy Singh Chow-stok Whang in country not unlike China on fish wharf with no cheese. Always water growing up. So when I was twenty age, I go on water to America! Land of free cheese! At homeplace we look at water dreaming of America cheese eaters. But only I get on tiny floaty thing to cross liquid in search of green statue lady of torch.

Soon, bouncy water looking make me sick. So what! Or maybe too much bad squid in lunch hamper? I try catch fish with net but not enough fast, so announce: “Here litty fishy thing! Jump into net! Uncle Whingy have surprise!” But no. Big fish spit at Whingy with teeth! I club him however on head with boat board. After sinking, no more boat, only board. If not for jumbo cruise ship no typing or breathing now.

On way to New Pork City I make passengers happy laugh with food tossing dance. But I not like New Porkers so I bus to Lost Anglo-Saxons in Calipornia and work like pig dog for Burgler King.

Hey Burgler King! If yours is Home Of Whoppler, where do frenchy fries sleep?

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ © All Rights Reserved

Death By Stalactite!

2011-04-17T00:10:00.000-07:00

I am Whingy Singh Chow-stok Whang!

You are mostly welcome!

Read aloud to enemy combatants:

DEATH BY STALACTITE !

Wake up!
You hear open intestine,
Blat of tuba,
Cry of Montezuma,
Stalactite weeps on cavern roof,
Your shower is squishy!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ © All Rights Reserved

Book Barbecue!

2011-02-28T11:50:00.000-08:00

So, who need books anyway?

Bookstores close faster now than Toyotas with stopping exacerbations!

Whingy owe personal enlightenment to Lao Tzu’s elder brother, Wahoo Tzu, who scribe introduction to sutra commentary advising print readers to preempt examination of letter text with eyeballs and burn book.

Whingy follow Wahoo advice and become transmogrified! Now Whingy burn all books before reading for convenient dismissal of knowledge and barbecue seasoning.

Better than smoke of hickory!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ © All Rights Reserved

Gopher Broke!

2010-11-16T12:54:00.000-08:00

Are you problem part, or solution?

Our chief economic commandeers now saying spend more money for prosperity bloom!

So forget about saving in consternation of bad weather. Here in United States of Consumption saving money make weather bad for all now!

Only big business boys who waste many quadrillions of dollars are entitled to reward from governmental buck-passers. But now, you too can waste even more money than previously sane with Whingy’s new Gopher Broke card!

Whingy invent new reverse-credit for spending all of assets prior to death and future earnings of children who are finally good for cash even without organ donations!

Almost all who have DNA and offspring accepted!

N ow, buy some costly automobiles, fur-lined fur coats, travels to exotic locales where tour guides tote machine guns. Yes, you can now eat out more often! With your Uranium Gopher Broke card, you may even charge ransom!

So remember, since Greatest Depression is right around intersection, why bother saving money?

Stop squirreling away! Gopher Broke today!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ Gopher Broke card by Russ Allison Loar
~ © All Rights Reserved

Secret Plan!

2010-08-28T12:08:00.000-07:00

O yes, secret plan is working!

While American rousers of rabble so busy debating house-of-terror mosque-type community center for pretend ping pong championships, Chinese type power-mongers raise rates of interest on United States of Infrugality, soon to cut off credit and foreclose on country.

O yes American free-spendiholics, preserve foolish manure-fueled worries of clever terrorist plan in forefront of mental storefront! O Yes! What a plan of cleverness from enemies of America, to locate secret headquarters of doom in place where no government police agent would suspect to inspect: $100 million, 13-story scraper of sky in lower Manhattan, disguising itself with obvious public location!

O yes, continue to worry that Allah worshipers have desire to destroy American country foundations while you borrow even more money from Chinese overlandlords for purchase of bigger screen TVs on which to watch butch-hair Beck Glenn rantings in high definition 3-D nose hair inspections!

Soon, Whingy will be your new MasterCard master! When you can snatch plastic money card from my hand, grasshopper, it will be time for you to charge!

O yes, secret plan is working!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ © All Rights Reserved

What Is Real?

2010-08-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

What is really real, grasshopper?

You go in bookstore. You pick up large novel.

You say, "This is fiction!"

Book slip from hand and fall on foot.

If this is fiction, why is your toe now feeling pain?

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ © All Rights Reserved

Impossible Dream!

2010-07-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

Whingy advice for enlightenment:

"Imagine you are not stupid!"

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ © All Rights Reserved

Earth Day Catastrophobia:Global Demagnetization!

2010-04-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

Now that global warming completely out of control, Whingy relieved of concern while stocking up on ice cubes!

Whingy now sound Earth Day alarm blat for new environmental catastrophobia: Global Demagnetization!

Do you not observe your refrigerator magnets losing adhesion? Only last fortnight when Whingy selecting extra pepperoni for diet pizza does refrigerator door slamming result in Bovine Cow magnet falling to floor!

So long!

It's been good to know ya!

I fear for floppies!

Magnetic data become misconvenient untruth!

Whingy speculate Earth’s core weaken magnetosphere due to Obama presidency. So Fox almost News and Tea almost Party not be only mongers of rumor town!

Whingy now stocking up on Memo Pads and Scotchy Tape!

BEGINNING NOW FOR LONG TIME ALREADY LINKS!

'Iron Man 2' loses its magnetism
Magnets losing magnetism
Underwater Volcano off coast of Italy is losing magnetism
Florida Appears to Be Losing Its Sunny Magnetism
Earth is losing magnetism!
Frequently Asked Magnetic Questions
Earth's north magnetic pole is shifting and weakening
Sloshing Inside Earth Changes Protective Magnetic Field
Ships' logs give clues to Earth's magnetic decline
Cow Magnets!
Magnets Inside Cow!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ Magnet Illustration by Who?
~ © All Rights Reserved

Whingy Way!

2010-02-03T12:58:00.000-08:00

So grasshopper, now you seek to free inner bovine from consumptipation but manufacturer’s suggested retail guru does not move bowels of enlightenment?

Way of Whingy (now without suppositories) calls you to proceed!

But wait! What is Way of Whingy and where is Whishing Well of Whangism?

Stop talking already and listen!

Whingy once so self-absorbent not see flower or sky or tree in front of motorized ex-scooter! After calamity, Whingy go to heal on farm and learn to love lovely bossy cows unburdened by multitasking.

After extended cow admirations reveal path to contentmentalment, Whingy forget small self-person and suddenly see flower and sky and tree. Whingy suddenly hear music of whindy wind and leafy leaves and grassy grass and bovine low cow mumblings. Whingy whiff fragrance of alfalfa and chicken and barb wire rustings. Whingy touch spongy plantings and see bravely blade of grassling reach for heaven!

Whingy’s head exploding with sensations too many to put on memo recorder.

Whingy discover personal Whishing Well of Whangism require space of boredom and cow contemplation at farm place locale.

Buttercow biscuits!

Secret is not what, but what not! When you go to Whishing Well of Whangism, stop all everything! Then Way of Whingy must soon be calling you to Way of Whoever You Are, for in not doing you will see flower and sky and not careen motor scooter into large omnipresent tree.

Yes grasshopper, your inner bovine now is free to roam grassyland of internal imagination device and you become cow of no cow!

So, what is sound of one hoof clapping?

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ © All Rights Reserved

Holy Cow!

2009-12-24T11:34:00.000-08:00

I must venture greetings to holiday participants without offense in order to reduce e-mail jihad activity.

Whingy already anger some who warned winter solstice not only shortest day of year, but last day of Whingy’s life! Hah! I am still annoying for your entertainment!

If you are miniature dead Jesus on cross jewelry enthusiasts and like to kneel in church for wounded relatives and stupid brother-in-law, then Happy Merry Christmastime!

If you have blue and white electrical bulbs festooning your domicile then I belate wishing of Happy Hanukkah which is expired but still you have miracle of oil for Sport Utility Vessels. You must now be licking your lips for Fast Of Tevet in January when you stop eating and also get bonus of permission to feel bad and guilty – all at same time!

So, what do you get when you take one day away from Hanukkah? Solution: Kwanzaa. And like Jewish holiday, you too get double letter score! Seven days to celebrate joy of not being stupid Anglo-Saxonite! Whingy look in EncycloWikipedia and see:

During the early years of Kwanzaa (Ron) Karenga said it was meant to be an alternative to Christmas, that Jesus was psychotic, and that Christianity was a white religion that Black people should shun.

But things change because some of Kwanzites’ best friends have paste-colored skin and psychotic Jesus hard to put on holiday card!

There are so many Happy New Years that Whingy’s world consciousness not know exactly how to date my birth, so I rely on American driver’s license for avoiding argument with motorized bicycle policeman who has no sense of humor and like to use handcuffs!

Look at so many New Years:

New Year Traditions

Chinese New Year waiting until February 10th when neighbors will explode firecrackers to scare away evil spirits and magazine salespersons. Then they plant kumquat trees and wear red underwear for luck! New year will be Year of Tiger so Whingy must stop eating tiger kebabs and try Morningstar Farms VegeTiger patties!

Whingy fingy tired of typing and I cannot remember so many celebrations unmentioned by me that bring you love and joy and desire to end my life for being infidel, so forgive Whingy and be happy all the time without writing me angry jihad e-mails.

P.S. If Whingy squirt you with water on first February day, do not understand wrongly and kick Whingy shin, for it is Buddha birthday custom! Listen closely on that day grasshopper and you hear sound of one hoof clapping, for lovely cows everywhere thank Buddha for being plant-eater.

Please be happy because Whingy love you even if you are not you but are terrible person out of control or mind. Whingy know nice you is in there somewhere and so Whingy say: “Hello nice you! Come out, come out, wherever you are!”

May you contain a heart of Tofu and leave bossycow alone!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ © All Rights Reserved

Okra Windbag Is Bovine?

2009-11-27T11:23:00.000-08:00

No Wonder!

2009-10-06T15:32:00.000-07:00

So old Chinesey man run away from Lost Angeless mental confinement palace and seek taxi cab steerage.

When after much arm wagging hot dog mustard color car stop, Chinesey man find into back seat and profuse:

“Hurry hurry! Drive to Kowloon! No letter from home residents for twenty year!”

“You must tug my leg sideways,” taxi pilot expunge. “Drive to Kowloon impossibility. Kowloon on other shore side of ocean water expanse!”

“Ah,” Chinesey man breathe when brain light explode, “No wonder they never write!”

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ © All Rights Reserved

Bad Dream!

2009-09-27T11:47:00.000-07:00

Whingy have bad dream!

Flatware angry at Whingy's macrobiotic pizza diet!

Utensils now unnecessary!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ Flatware Illustration by Russ Allison Loar
~ © All Rights Reserved

Tuskaloosa!

2009-09-22T18:46:00.000-07:00

Whingy shoot elephantine in komono. How big tusks fit into komono? Inquire of Groucho Marxist.

Whingy shooting aim bad but not matter. Elephantype stuffed already in museum! Dead before shooting spree! Whingy never hurt animal, foremostly not lovely cow!

Whingy apologize to tourist of Pomona where he already should possess recognition of bullet dodging strategies!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ Elephant Photo by Russ Allison Loar
~ © All Rights Reserved

Whingy and Magic Carp!

2009-09-17T16:05:00.000-07:00

Uncle Whingy now with untrue fable for small people who listen for bed snoring preparation.

Once upon a porcupine live big magic carp.
Beautifully magic carp look like Reynolds wrap, jalapeño, squash and leaky fountain of pen. Whingy prepare to Sumatra for civility service exam when magic carp come out of water and speak.

“How you go today?” carp inquest.

“Many thanks talking fish for conversation. I portend excursion to Sumatra for dream of government sponge job. Forgive me now while I extrude dinghy!”

“You may cross not South Chinesey Sea in flaccid dinghy vessel!” carp expunge. “Water too tall for Whingy dinghy!”

“Now what?” I ask enormous scaly aquaintenance.

“I may transport you to Sumatra on dorsal if you complete favor.”

Talking carp tell Whingy to go see Buddha asking why carp cannot jump over Dragon Gate of Yellow River to become dragon of immortality, meanwhile outfoxing karma wheel.

“OK!” I agree to respond.

After fourteen day three night six afternoon I find Buddha housing beneath under bridge with poor scavenging for crustacean. I interrupt to announce: “I am Whingy Singh Chow-Stok Whang! In order for carp transportation to Sumatra I must question Buddha!”

“OK!” Buddha regurgitate.

“Carp cannot jump Dragon Gate of Yellow River to stop wheel of karma rotation with achievement into dragon of immortality! Now what?”

Buddha close one eye and suck on lime, spit out seed belching, “He too fat!”

Now possess knowledge of carp immobility on journey return to beach of happy sand for magic carp residence.

“O fishy, fishy, fishy, fish!” I call on beach to place of water.

“You!” carp protrude out of tide froth. “Buddha inquisition bear fruit?”

“I have solution of knowledge impediment! Buddha say you too fat for Dragon Gate jumping style. No more hot dogs!”

Gratefully appreciating carp request thank you by return advice wisdom to Whingy. “And you too stupid for Sumatra civility service sponge job!” fish shout and swim to where Whingy does not see.

Now, question for small story enthusiasts: Did fish go on macrobiotic diet and aerobicize to achieve immortality? Did Whingy surrender Sumatra job illusion?
Are you asleep yet!?!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ © All Rights Reserved

Pig Virus Opportunity!

2009-08-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

Bon voyage flu enthusiasts!
Pig Virus more popular than
“Dancing With Stars,” so Whingy calling casting for new reality televirus,
“Dancing With Flu !”

Each episode now with weakened dancers coughing at opponents to lower personal immune resistances!

Whingy learn from American health placebo corruptorations finding cash from disease exploitation. Every virus cloud have lining of silver, gold and Visa. Cloud virus rain not dampen Whingy, for Whingy let disease be umbrella!

Also Whingy worry free because now possess immunity to Pig Virus importuned by personal cellulite invasion with Birdy Virus due to zoo encounter with American Eagle producing temper jihad at cage intrusion! Lucky Whingy still to have nose!

So, you demand advice for Pig Virus counter-espionage? Of course you do! Whingy is personal Zen Mixmaster whether you want Whangisms or don’t!

So stop talking already now! Hold nostrils and swallow!

1. EAT PORK!
Firsthandyman, pork consumption eases cow ingratitude, for madder cows someday make flu too if we eat them nonstop to London! Most important is how pork intake engage protection vaccine like Warp Nine on Star Trek!

2. BLOW OUT HARD!
For safety respiration, blow out carbon dioxidation hard, clearing intake airspace of germaphobings.

3. SEND WHINGY MONEYCASH!
As personal Zen Mixmaster, I blend you prayers of non-death for inspirationality cash.

4. PRETEND IN HEAD!
If you get sick anytime, do not let Pig Virus travel from intestinal blat to brain of head! Deny entrance to thought world and virus death comes by non-cognito!

Now, no more Mr. Nice Whingy! You must buy new book:
“Whingy’s Way To Not Die For Long Time Or Money Back!”

OK!

Stop reading!

Go away already!

~ Whingy Illustration by Henrik Drescher
~ © All Rights Reserved